Cinderella Blues

run run run get out of here before it’s too late just get out leave run away oh shut up shut up you know I can’t please help get me out of here run away no I have to keep walking and smiling through the hall and down the stairs and into the courtyard and someone help me can’t anyone see me see how terrified I am get me out of here don’t be ridiculous I can’t leave what would everyone think no no no it’s impossible there’s no way out I got myself into this and now I have to do what I always do swallow the truth and put a smile on my face and tell myself everything will be all right and pretend I’m happy but I’m not I’m trapped I can’t breathe I can’t leave yes you can you can just walk out just go now do it before it’s too late no I can’t oh dear lord yes you can but you won’t because you’re a good girl and it would be too fucking embarrassing and I’m doomed ohmygod I’m going to regret this I’m already regretting this it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done but I can’t just leave and walk away what a terrible thing to do I couldn’t do that has anyone ever done that really just walked away you hear stories but who could do such a thing well other than mom she could do it that’s true but she’s a little crazy and doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks she even bit that guy’s finger when he shoved it in her face who in their right mind bites other people jeez but I am not like her I do care what other people think of me I care a lot I’m a good person and everyone would be so shocked you know what they would say it would be too humiliating so what at least you’d be free oh god get me out of here I don’t want to do this shut up you are making things so difficult I can’t leave it will be all right I’m sure it will and how could I hurt him it’s not his fault he’s a nice guy but you don’t love him you know you don’t of course I do no you don’t he’s not smart enough and you don’t want to look at that but it’s true no it’s not what a terrible thing to say he’s smart in his own way no he isn’t and he’s not creative enough or mature enough or anything enough and I’m going to be trapped forever oh help how could you let it get this far why didn’t you stop it when you saw that it wasn’t going to work you know why I didn’t stop it god help us you didn’t want to hurt his feelings what a stupid reason and now look what you’ve done get me out of here you should have stopped it a long time ago you are such an idiot but it will be all right no it won’t be all right and now you’re trapped and you’re going to be miserable and then you’ll have kids and when you finally get up the nerve to leave they will never stop blaming you for destroying their family and ruining their lives you think it would be painful and humiliating to leave now just wait until you’re getting divorced oh god oh god what can I do so how about an annulment how long do you have for that maybe six weeks and which one would be less humiliating leaving now or getting an annulment in a couple of weeks no shut up I don’t want to think like that I’m making a promise don’t you understand what that means I take my promises seriously I can’t just walk down the aisle planning the annulment I will do this and make the best of it and I will never get divorced oh lord there’s that good girl again you are so sickening you’d rather doom yourself to a lifetime of boredom and loneliness than leave but I don’t want to do this I want to get out of here I don’t want to make promises I don’t want to stay with him forever can’t I just run away and make it all disappear I’ve been stupid stupid stupid and all you have to do is say I’m sorry I can’t do this and go home but what would we do with the band and the photographer and all that food are you fucking kidding me you’re worried about the fucking food oh help how did this happen how did I get into this mess you wanted to be loved that’s how you got into this mess you wanted life to be all rosy and happy ever after that’s how you poor fool you wanted a family that felt safe and happy not like it was with mom so congratulations here you are and he can do that I know he can he never yells at me no he never yells at you because he doesn’t even look at you he isn’t even here haven’t you noticed and you keep trying to feel close and he avoids and smiles he doesn’t see you doesn’t hear you doesn’t have a clue who you really are ohmygod I’ll have to live with that forever I can’t do this but he’s not a bad person not angry he can learn how to be close can’t he I’m sure he’ll want to do that doesn’t everyone want that to feel close all I have to do is be safe and kind and gentle and never criticize and never get angry and he’ll let me in won’t he but what if he can’t what if this is all there is wake up honey pay attention pay attention don’t you feel it that terrible loneliness of being with him but it won’t be like this when we’re married surely the commitment and caring and living together will build something and it will be all right surely one day he will look in my eyes at least he will if I can be what he needs I can do that I can I’ve never been critical even when he invited me to his place for lunch and every dish every single fucking dish in the house was dirty and piled up in the sink and I never said a word just started washing dishes even though I was appalled I never said a word just washed that mountain of dishes while he sat around god you are such a sap so I can do that I can be soft I’m used to being left with the dirty work while mom watches tv I’m used to swallowing my words and choking down my anger because it doesn’t do any good anyway does it so I know how to accept it all and just take care of everything and then he will relax and look at me and really see me and we will have that closeness that complicity that some couples have those little smiles or a glance across the room we will feel fully known and fully accepted and we will trust each other and support each other and stand together against anything feeling close and connected everyone wants that don’t they so why do you still feel like this like he’s so far away even when he’s right here don’t you understand he wants you to be there wants you to wash the damn dishes but he doesn’t want to be close he doesn’t want to look in your eyes he doesn’t want to really see you or be seen he wants to stay behind that big wall but I can make it safe enough for him to come out I can see who he really is a sweet little boy who just wants to be loved and we could build a life together and have kids he likes kids likes playing with them anyway not sure about the rest of it and you’re afraid to look at that aren’t you and now you’re here and it’s too late and he will be another child and you will have to be the mommy and you can’t look at that either can you oh god no I can’t I’m trapped and I’ll never get to finish my project and get my degree and do what I’d really like to do oh stop whining for god’s sake that would take years and he needs you to support him so he can finish his own program and it will be worth it right it will be worth it and he’ll appreciate the sacrifice I’m making and he’ll love me more won’t he oh yeah of course he will don’t you get it you’re being a sap again but when he’s done I won’t have to work at all I can just be a mom won’t that be great yeah great but you’ll never get to oh just stop you know it’s a fantasy who knows if I’d ever finish at all or if anyone would ever hire me the field is so tight right now I just need to focus on what’s needed now today he needs me to do this so he won’t have a mountain of debt when he’s done and he’ll love me for it won’t he I’m sure he will oh don’t you get it you’re abandoning your dreams abandoning yourself how can you do this to yourself like that poor stupid stepsister chopping off her toes to try to fit into the glass slipper but it doesn’t work and there’s all that blood and Disney never told us about that did he you’re right I’m doing a stupid stupid thing I just want to run away but now here’s dad looking happy and handsome with his blue eyes and silver hair smiling and proud just tell him tell him tell him before it’s too late that you don’t want to do this he’ll help you he won’t judge shut up don’t be stupid I can’t do that I’m standing back here listening for the music in this church all sleek and modern and all that glass and light and everyone looking at us and I can’t just say get me out of here dad why not of course you can he’ll help you he wouldn’t want you to marry someone you don’t love you know he wouldn’t but everyone is here gramma and grandad and friends and relatives three hundred people all dressed up and smiling with their hands full of presents oh god the presents and a whole mountain of them sitting in my bedroom boxes and boxes of nice things and loving wishes everyone hoping that we will be happy and what could I do with all of that just send them all back I suppose oh no I couldn’t do that shit shit shit I don’t care about presents I don’t care about being embarrassed I just want to run away oh just shut up and be quiet I’m not going to leave it’s too late we’re all here yeah we’re all here on this perfect fucking day with that clear blue fucking sky through the beautiful big fucking windows and you will regret this no I won’t it will be all right because we are two good people so if anyone can do this right surely we can and we can do a better job of it than mom and dad anyway who were such a mess even dad but especially mom all the drinking and ranting and throwing things while the dog and I huddled under the covers in my bed and both of us shaking and I will never do that to anyone never be like that so I will accept him just as he is and I will never let myself see what I see that little boy and all that weakness and I won’t let it bother me that he is always somewhere else not here and so hidden that he’s almost empty but I am not like her I will be whatever he needs me to be but don’t you get it you are chopping off your fucking toes oh stop being so melodramatic it will be all right I will do what I need to do and I will make it safe for him to come out and be here with me and he won’t have to hide behind that wall behind that pleasant smile behind those vacant eyes he will look at me and I will know that he sees me and loves me and it will be all right and I’m sure we can do this because we care about each other don’t we and thank god he doesn’t drink or do drugs or cheat and he won’t yell at me or throw things and what more do I want we all have problems and his aren’t so bad it could be much worse much worse I’m sure it will be all right and here’s the music and okay just do it get going start walking dad looks so happy you can do this just walk walk keep walking keep smiling and everyone is watching everyone is smiling all the way down the aisle and here he is he loves me of course he loves me and it will be all right it will be all right it will be all right

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.